'Mark The Shark' Qualifies For Invasive Species Listing

The National Invasive Species Council, a branch under the United States Department of Interior, is reviewing a compelling argument in favor of placing non-native Mark “The Shark” Quartiano on Florida’s growing list of invasive species. There is substantial evidence that Quartiano meets the criteria. “He’s checking all the boxes,” says one Miami based ecologist.

An executive summary of the National Invasive Species Management Plan defines the term Invasive Species as “a species that is non-native to the ecosystem under consideration and whose introduction causes or is likely to cause economic or environmental harm or harm to human health.”

Common denominators meeting the criteria include but are not limited to:

A species must be Non-native*

Although few mid century biologists recall Quartiano sightings, records from the late fifties and early sixties believe the origin belonging to New York. Recent studies hypothesize the specimen’s natural ecosystem to be the toxic and muddied Coney Island Creek.

A species must reproduce quickly*

Biologists have observed Quartiano’s habitual relationship with hookers, estimating a conservative, yet higher than average count between 35-50 Quartiano offspring each year.

It must harm native plants or animals of the region*

Quartiano claims to have killed over 50,000 sharks to date. Psychologists of Masculinity-Deficient-Insecurities believe that number to be closer to 30,000.

It must do great harm to the economy*

4.24 million snorkelers and 4.56 million scuba divers contributed $909.4 million annually to Florida’s 2017 economy, providing 26,000 full-time jobs. Over a third of this revenue is focused solely on shark involved recreation. Ecotourism researchers estimate sought after shark species to be worth $170,00 annually and $1.9 million throughout its life not cut short by a Quartiano.

The board is expected to review all evidence and make a decision while the Miami Coast still has a shark population.