Exxon And BP CEOs Enter 'Strongman' Competition To Win Dawn Dish Soap Recipe

Years of failed attempts to acquire Dawn from Procter & Gamble, CEOs Darren Woods and Bernard Looney of ExxonMobile and BP have entered themselves into a Strongman Competition to obtain the secret recipe insight from competition judge and original inventor of Dawn dish soap- Paul Andrecola.

Probability and Insurance departments in both companies have urged executives to prioritize the acquisition ahead of upcoming catastrophic oil spills. Although the companies’ allocated dish soap budget is a drop in the profit bucket, “that drop should really be in the pockets of shareholders and executives,” say shareholders and executives. “And if we begin manufacturing soap inhouse, we’ll save thousands [of dollars].”

Over the years, both companies have threatened Andrecola for the chemical solution- including kidnapping, black mailing, a dog-hostage situation and numerous shoe bombings, all of which the chemical engineer has circumvented. But, Andrecola says he’s exhausted, “the last shoe bombing will be the last shoe bombing” and this competition is the only fair way to determine who deserves the insight.

The competition will be composed of the five following events:

Dead Whale Dead Lift - Contestants must dead lift a dead and decomposing sperm whale straight off the ground until the contestant's knees are lock in a standing position. The contestant with most repetitions or longest hold time is awarded one point.

The Totem Toss - Contestants must lift and toss a fifty-two foot long, hand carved Totem Mortuary Pole stolen from the indigenous Tsimshian Tribe of Annette Island, Alaska. The contestant that tosses the sacred totem the furthest is awarded one point.

Petroleum Pong - Contestants take turns throwing a medium-sized Pelican eye across a table into the other contestant’s arrangement of petroleum filled cups. If the eye lands in a cup, the cup is removed and the opponent chugs the petro. The first contestant to land an eye in all six cups is awarded one point.

Tug-o-Man-o-War - Contestants must pull cordage of woven Portuguese man o’ war tentacles to their respective sides. Whichever contestant doesn’t pass out first from venomous stings is awarded one point.

Wet T-Shirt Baptism- Contestants must attempt to scrub the putrid transgression from their bone bags using the only soap for the job- Dawn dish. No points will be awarded, Andrecola just thought it seemed necessary.